Jokes

Equal privileges

A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.

The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

From a huge slice...

Talk about fantastic golf teachers. He was the best and one day this woman came to him and said that she had developed a terrific slice. Day and night he worked with her for five months. Now she's the biggest hooker in town.

Low eighties

"I play golf in the low eighties," the old man was telling one of the youngsters at his club.
"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."
"Not really," said the old man, "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

Playing with the pro

"You surely don't want me to hole that?" the pompous amateur blustered. His ball was about thirty centimeters from but his opponent, the club professional, answered quietly. "No".
The amateur picked up and walked on next tee. He was about to take honour when he was interrupted by his opponent.
"My honor, I think," said the professional. I won last hole, as you didn't putt out.
"But you said you didn't want me to hole out," spluttered the amateur.
"That's right. I didn't, and you didn't"

A quick nine holes

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Left or right handed

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"
They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven."
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."

A guy asked "what if it's pointed straight up?"

She said "Then I'll be here at nine o'clock."

Next session ?

When can you let me have another session?" a golfer asked his professional who was veteran of 75 years.
"Tomorrow morning," came the reply, "but not afternoon. That's when I visit my father."
"Goodness me," exclaimed student incredulously, "how old is he then. 95."
"And good player too?" "
"Ah no sir - knocks ball about bit but, bless him,'ll never make player."
What can you do with this ?
The tall highlander walked into the pro shop at Pitlochry Golf Club and stood ramrod straight as he pulled a badly nicked ball from his sporran.
"What can you do with this ?" he asked the golf pro.
"Well," said the manager in complete understanding, "we can vulcanize it for five pence or re-cover it for ten."
"I'll let ye know t'morra," said the customer.
The next day he was back, holding out the ball. 4 Tha' Regiment," he said, "votes ta' vulcanize."
 
A scratch golfer

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"
"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

What is a rider ?

A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

Wife & Mistress

I'll go and ask if we can go through," said Max to Jerry. The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway. Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.
"Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going. That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress."
Jerry returned having got no further forward than Max. "I say," he said, "what a coincidence."

What's my handicap

He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her.
"You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?"
"Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.

Lesson with the pro

Now," said the golf pro, "suppose you just go through the motions without driving the ball."
"But that's precisely the difficulty I'm trying to overcome," said his pupil.

You earn how much ?

I gather you earn more than the Prime Minister the nosey member asked his club's pro.
"Why not ?", came the reply, "I'm a better player than he is !"

Store professional

A golf professional, hired by a big department store to give golf lessons, was approached by two women. "Do you wish to learn to play golf, madam?" he asked one.
"Oh, no," she replied, "it's my friend who's interested in learning. I learned last Wednesday."

Not scoring well this year

Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.
"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"
"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"
"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

If only I’d hit it

At the Glenelg seaside course in South Australia a novice managed a mighty drive off the first tee. It hit, and bounced off in rapid succession, a rock outcrop, a fisherman, a tree trunk, the handle of a golf cart, a player on the second tee and finally it dropped onto the green about ten centimeters from the hole.
"Well," the player exclaimed, "if only I'd hit the bloody ball a bit harder!"